Tracy & Jen

This family approached their adoption process with an openness that was absolutely inspiring. We hope you find their story as inspiring as we did. Meet Jen and Tracy.

WHAT DO YOU WANT FAMILIES WHO ARE CONSIDERING ADOPTING INTERRACIALLY TO KNOW?

We pursued our adoption as just that…..adoption. We didn’t look at it as an interracial adoption. We were open to any race because we looked at the adoption as our journey to achieve our dream as a family. We didn’t care if he was black, yellow or green as long as he was healthy. Neither one of us even questioned the child’s race being a factor. We saw an opportunity to have a family. In our minds love is color blind and that’s how we approached it. We were going to love him no matter what his background brought with him or the color that adorned his skin.

WHAT HAVE YOU LEARNED FROM YOUR ADOPTION AND PARENTING JOURNEY?

Oh my, I think the shortest answer would be to ask “what haven’t we learned” from our adoption and parenting journey. I think first and foremost, you must have Faith and trust in the people you are working with and that is terribly hard. We had had an adoption not go through from another agency so we were very leery of the process. As adoptive parents you are so invested in the process that when it doesn’t work it, it can be devastating. I will tell you though, that we’d go through that pain again, because it is nothing compared to the complete euphoria of holding our son in our arms. The biggest lesson I think is that as a couple or as a single parent that you have to be mentally and emotionally prepared to even begin the journey. If you don’t have a strong and loving relationship, the emotional toll on your relationship could be devastating. This isn’t a process that one should enter lightly. You need to be realistic about the process. You can’t get too high or too low. You have to ride the waves and keep your sight on the finish line. Understand that there will be a lot of lows and a lot of uncertainty. You have to be able to let go and not think you can control the situation because you can’t. I think many adoptive parents make the mistake of believing that they have control b/c they feel if they were having the baby themselves they have some control over things. The fact is, you don’t have any control, so instead of focusing on trying to control things, focus on staying strong, positive and leaning on your partner and your friends. As far as the parenting journey. I think it’s easy compared to the adoption process. It’s easy, because we see our child and it’s just love. The minute we saw the first sonogram we felt he was our child. We began preparing like any other parent who has a child naturally. We didn’t focus on the fact that we weren’t actually giving birth; we focused on being parents before he was actually born. The parenting journey is a constant learning process which will never end until we leave this earth. I’ve learned that you have to have love, respect, trust and faith and you have to have all of them every day.

IS IT POSSIBLE TO FEEL CONNECTED TO A CHILD OF A DIFFERENT RACE?

Maybe we are naive, but we didn’t and still don’t worry about connecting because of his race.  The worry about connecting comes from him being adopted, but never about his race.  Even the worrying was short lived.  We give him all of our love and attention, so there will never be any doubt that he is our child and that we have unconditional love for him.  To me that's the easiest part.  We don't look at him as our bi-racially adopted son.  We just look at him as our son.  Anything is possible with unconditional love.  We know we have that, so there isn’t any problem with connecting.

HOW MUCH DOES APPEARANCE REALLY MATTER?

I think 15 years ago, it probably mattered, but "traditional" families are becoming a minority anymore, so it doesn't matter at all to us.  There are so many different family make-ups and dynamics, that I haven't felt judged or questioned in the least bit. It might matter to him in the future, but as a family we don’t see color, so if he grows up in a house that doesn’t see color then he won’t see color either.  In our house, skin or appearances will never matter.

IN WHAT WAYS DO YOU ATTEMPT TO PROVIDE EXPERIENCES TIED TO YOUR CHILDREN’S CULTURAL ROOTS?

Well he’s only 1 so we haven’t attempted anything yet, but we plan to try to find both African American and Native American experiences for him in the future since that is his background.

WHAT WILL BLACK WOMEN THINK OF ME WHEN THEY SEE ME WITH A BLACK CHILD?

This question crossed my mind before we adopted our son briefly, but since then, we have had nothing but positive responses or interactions with African American women.  They have been extremely helpful and pleasant to deal with, especially since we are often asking questions about how to take care of his hair, since it’s so different than ours.  It has really been awesome how complete strangers have interacted with us and haven’t made our different races an issue.  I think they look at us and say “wow what a cute family.”

HOW DO WE TELL OUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS WE ARE ADOPTING INTERRACIALLY?

Initially we were a little skeptical about this since we both come from very small towns and were raised with little to no racial diversity; however, that skepticism was unwarranted.  Since we both work in education and have friends from different races, our families and friends didn’t blink an eye.  Again, it wasn’t even an issue for us, so since it wasn’t a big deal to us, it wasn’t an issue to our families.  They were thrilled for us to be able to be blessed with a child, so after we told them we were chosen as adopted parents we said and by the way he is part African American, part Native American and white.  We got this look like “and…..so…..”  It was like saying everyone gets ice cream and by the way it’s different flavored.  People don’t care about that.  Everyone loves ice cream so does it really matter if it’s chocolate chip, vanilla, red velvet or chocolate?  No, it’s still ice cream!  (Our son is literally all of those ice cream flavors rolled into one!)

DID YOU HAVE ANY FEARS ABOUT TELLING YOUR FAMILY ABOUT YOUR INTERRACIAL ADOPTION?

We really didn’t have any fears whatsoever about telling our families about interracial adoptions.  Our fears were telling about adoption in general because of the unknown of it actually going through.  We didn’t tell them right away, b/c we didn’t want them to worry or ask us a thousand questions we knew we wouldn’t’ be able to answer.  In the end our families were so excited we were chosen, that the fact the child was of a different race was a fleeting after thought, so no fears here.

WHAT HAS BEEN THE GREATEST JOY AND CHALLENGE OF ADOPTING INTERRACIALLY?

The joys and challenges of adopting an interracial baby haven’t been any different than the joys and challenges of adoption in general.  Anyone who considers adoption has a journey all their own.  It’s difficult to describe because each adoption is so personal.  I believe the challenges of interracial adoption will come when the child gets older and has more contact with other people who are judgmental or biased.  As a family though, our child will only see love, understanding and acceptance, as a human being.  We don’t see color or race in a negative way, so he won’t see color or race as anything other than God’s paint stroke on his life pallet.  We all are different masterpieces with varying colors, beginnings and textures.  Together, all of our differences are what create the beauty in the world. The greatest joy of adoption is impossible to put into words.  It’s magical and amazing, humbling and perfect.  We get to choose to love this gift and he paints our world every day that he calls us mom.  I wouldn’t have had it any other way, honestly.  People tell us all the time how we are giving him a much better life then he would have ever had, but in reality, he’s given us a much better life then we would have ever had.  We look forward to embracing his differences and learning about them as he grows.  We don’t fear it at all.  We believe it’s these differences that will help us raise a loving, kind and empathetic individual who will see and treat all people as just that….people.  Isn’t that what parenting should be about?